Whoa... weird times in the world of friendships and bonds.
I'll never stop learning I guess, but what I gotta do is
quit worrying about every move I make and whether or not I'm going to offend someone.
Hello cyberspace. How are you today? It's been a long time, but you're still an available outlet and I reckon I might need that more than ever these days. Thanks for having me.
So yeah, today's rant is about friendships and bonds.
I'm a musician. Have been one full time now for almost 4 years, it's hard to believe. Since I started down this crazy path, I've experienced many wonderful moments as well as very confrontational moments. I live mostly on the road now, with my partner in love and music, Jesse Dee. The bond Jesse and I have is the strongest I've ever felt towards a human being and it only becomes stronger with every beautiful and ugly moment shared. We share everything together. We spend almost 24/7 together. We drive from gig to gig across the country together. We sleep together. We wake together. We eat together. We discuss our feelings and thoughts together. We bitch about shit together. We cry together and laugh together. We go out together. We perform music together. We make music together. And, any time there's a chance, we make love or fuck or whatever the moment brings, whatever the mood dictates. The point is, we do EVERYTHING together so much so that it's difficult to imagine a life without the other. When one of us is gone off doing our own thing, it's like a recharge of energy. We need it to survive, otherwise, we really would just absorb the other and exist as one being and quite frankly, I like who I am as an individual and so if taking space is the way to maintain my autonomy? Well god damn I'm gonna do it! We work hard at ensuring each other's comfort and sense of self is in tact. Our bond is solid, yet there's always an elasticity to us. Always room for change when it needs to happen and we've definitely experienced many changes together.
As for my bond with everyone else? I reckon it's suffered. I reckon it needs some TLC. I spend some nights lying awake worrying about whether or not my friends are still my friends. I guess I have taken for granted the fact that they'll always be there when in fact, they have perhaps filled my place. I don't blame them. It happens. When someone isn't there anymore, people move on. I guess I'm afraid that I'll end up with NO close friends at all. Everyone will become a simple acquaintance I see whenever I'm passing through town. They'll have to pay cover charge to see me too cuz I gotta make a living. And then maybe they won't want to see me so much anymore since it's not like I can spend any real quality time with them at a show! And so the story goes. How she went from being lucky enough to have more than one close friend to having zero. Life is truly a gamble, a game of cards. How are you going to play your hand? I'm on a losing streak for sure.
I'm not asking for pity.
I'm realizing the stuff songs are made of. I'm placing myself in more and more of those lonely highway melodies... words I used to think were lame are now my theme.
And why do I feel weird when I think about all this? That worry is pulling at my pant leg. I mean, the friends I have made in the music business have become some of my tightest friendships and I think it has to do with the fact that we all just understand each other. There's no half-assed catching up to do. There's no "you haven't called/emailed me in a while". There's only an understanding that we lead lives uncommon and nobody GETS that besides other musicians/artists who also exist outside of that normal box which is situated firmly in one place. I'm starting to really feel that. I'm starting to really crave that kind of understanding and peace of mind knowing that I'm not being judged cuz I didn't call the last time I was in town.
I reckon I must sound like an insensitive jerk and I genuinely don't mean to come across as such. I'm only running to the end of whatever rope I've pulled to see where it takes me. Exploring my thoughts. I do this often. I believe it's good to do.
It almost feels like I'm a teenager again and I'm thinking to myself "Fuck everybody! Think what you want. I don't need you!" and then in the same breath, I really don't believe that for an instant. I DO care. I DO want to have friendships outside of music. I want to have many friendships with people from all sorts of backgrounds because everything interests me! I just don't want to feel bad if I don't see them all that often. I just want to pick up where we left off. I don't want to feel insecurity and guilt. I want to feel loved and I want to love. Genuinely.
Is this possible? I ask you, friends.
