dialogues that dither down remniscent of the way it likes to rain

you know when you were a kid - and perhaps some of you do this now too, I'm one of those individuals - and you'd make a song for everything you said? and it wasn't like a real song or anything... more like just telling a story or plain talking in no particular tune? like in eddie murphy's Dilerious? well, for those of you who know what I'm talking about, please read this blog accordingly. for those of you who don't, well, you're just no fun then, are you! haha
so... I'm lyin in bed, oh ya, in bed, and my eyes are wide open open open open open open, and I can't sleep, shhhhh! can't sleeeeeep! (like bec's nasea tune) got insomnia insomnia, uh huh. and I'm thinkin bout some cute little sheep, cute little sheep, that are s'posed to help me sleep, help me sleep. I'm counting up from 1, and a 2, and a 3, and a 4, and on and on and so forth and so forth! and nothing's happening, no nothing's happening, cuz I got (ready?) insomnia, insomnia, uh huh! so I'm lying here and I think about maybe talkin to the sheep, maybe they are boring to talk to and discussion will make me sleep... hi sheep! how's it goin? say wha? I can't hear you sheepy sheep! quit making that annoying baaaaaaaah-ing noise! ok, you suck! oh ya! the sheep suck to talk to... so maybe I'll run around in circles and tire myself, round and round and round and round except I can't cuz everybody else is fast asleep and so they suck too cuz they are sleeping and I am not. I got insomnia, insomnia, uh huh! wish I had a big fat fatty! a big fat fatty! to do the trick... but I don't, no I most certainly don't... and that sucks too cuz a couple tokes off a nicely rolled pinner would shiver me timbres and the awakeness that lingers around me would fall soundly asleep and then SO WOULD I!
I WANT POT! I WANT POT! say it with me kids! I WANT POT! I WANT POT!
hahahaha
silly silly ramblings of an insomniac.

WISH I MAY

I'm losing my love of adventure
I'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
I wonder what happens if I get to
to the end of the tunnel
and there isn't a light
I've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
I've warn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and I'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleeping self-loathing

do you ever have that dream?
where you open your mouth
and you try to scream?
but you can't make a sound
that's every day starting now
that's every day starting now

don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight

it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the streetlights
all they really want is
to be alone with the darkness
no more wish I may
no more wish I might

it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
I've got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behaviour
I am spinning with longing
faster than a roulette wheel
this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel

I don't think I am strong enough
to do this much longer
god I wish I was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god I wish it was longer...

*************************************************

this is how I feel today. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my cats. I miss my home. I miss having roots and a history. I miss talking to people who KNOW me. I miss just hangin out. I miss the remedy for fuck sakes. I miss tuesday morning breakfast with miller and friends at mosaics. I miss going to shows. I miss parties. I miss all my shoes and my different coats depending on the weather cuz I have so many coats. I miss my tuque and scarf and mits. I miss seeing my breath. I miss that night we made a fire and burned our intentions, the light of the full moon lighting up the trees and our snow angels, laughing so much that our mouthes froze just so. I miss that party we had just before I left and it was like a going-away thing for me and a 23rd birthday party for alana... and guy was there! fuck I had a good time that night. I miss the drugs too... oh yes indeed. I have to be honest. too expensive here in melbourne. I miss lying in bed in the morning, just waking up to the sound of romeo's fucked up breathing and the pressure of his weight on my hair or chest. I miss hannah's drool. I even miss muddy waters, even though I couldn't wait to leave. at least I was making money.

I just miss everything.

and I'm scared I fucked a lot of it up before I left. hence, my last post: the elusiveness of want. I am feeling lonely and nostalgic and regretful. I need a hug. a big huge hug that can make me feel like everything is ok and that everything will be ok and that I should just be out here having a good good time.

the sunshine is indeed hot and hostile if you don't have the right sunscreen or don't apply it often enough... but I feel like I haven't been fully enjoying it... because of the worries. and cuz I haven't heard from a lot of you... granted, I haven't exactly been doing my part in that department either. but consider this a try?

let your emails and comments be your hugs!!! haha pull me outta this rut.

Aphex Twin Windowlicker

this is a very very strange video by a very very strange fellow. it's a little raunchy... I am absolved of responsibility should you choose to view it. (disclaimer)

the ELUSIVENESS of WANT

"she says forget what you have to do, pretend there is nothing outside this room. and like an idea she came to me, but she came too late, or maybe too soon"

it was early morning in january. crisp mountain mornings, gotta love them. not even sure what the hussle and bussle of vancouver's downtown would be like since it's out in the suburbs she stays. Langly will be her last home before she flies off to warmer climates. she's excited to be on her way, been preparing for the moment for what seems like her whole life. this will be her second venture into the wide world, but this time she feels so different.

she'd been back from her first stint for not even a year and she has made many friends over this short period. she had got to know her home city all over again and under different circumstances...

1. she was no longer with the love of her life, therefor single.

2. she had experienced immense amounts of personal change over the 6 months she was traveling the world and gained a sense of independence and confidence she never would have had she not gone.

3. she was out and experiencing a community unlike any she had ever known.

...and with all this, it sometimes became overwhelming. she sometimes would lay in bed at night and imagine how comfortable and peaceful her life would be were she still with her Love. I mean, she had been with the man since she was 17! there was a lot of history there! he knew her like no one did or would! but even though she loved him ever so much, she felt in her heart that now is just not the right time for them. and so she would fall asleep hoping that the next morning would bring with it's rising sun, a peacefulness that the life she is living now is ok.

later on this january day, she sits back down to ponder once again her decision to take off.

"it's late, much too late for us... and I'm fixin to go home... with just my conscience and a bitter sense of irony as my chaperone"

it's late in the day, after eight. but not so tasty as that might seem. she sits there, propped up against a fluffy pillow against a wall, thinking. always thinking. it never seems to stop, she thinks. all the beautiful people she's met in the last year are running through her mind....

"there's a river of people that runs past my eyes, it's beautiful enough just to watch it go by. but the trouble with water is she'll always leave you for gravity..."

she wonders whether they'll all be there when she gets back to them, whether they'll still accept her after everything that's transpired her last few weeks at home. and the thing is, she is now realizing, is that she was only ever completely honest with each love, regardless of relationship. honest and upfront was her way of doing things, it was - and is - part of her character... the reason why people gravitate toward her and love her. but she feels like she is taking all the weight and carrying it with her in addition to her actual travel necessities. she can't do it though. she needs to leave some things behind because not only is there a weight limitation on her pack, but on her heart as well. months ago she was ready to leave weightless and free. now it feels as though her back's going to give out and her heart's gonna implode with the pressure.

"there's pressure from within this, and there's pressure from above. there's pressure on our tenuous, strenuous love. there's wet wool blankets, 1 2 3, laid onto my chest til I just can't breath..."

so what can she do to relieve the pressure? well, the only solution she has found is to continue to be open and honest. she figures that if she retreats inward and stops letting people get so close, then she would be being dishonest to herself. it would feel fake and false. she learned on her travels that you pretty much live on first impressions... relationships most times don't go much farther than that. and so it's important to make a good impression, right? she learned to bare everything upfront. she learned to be IN EACH MOMENT, live in the now. you just never know whether you will know someone for 15 mins, a day, a week, or 3 months. and so honesty is the only answer, the only remedy.

"and I try not to let my emotions show, but it ain't a balloon I can just let go. it's an ice cream cone dripping in the sun: sticky hands, sticky arms, sticky situation"

and in the interest of honesty, perhaps I'll speak in the first person now?

it's not like I'm trying to hide my emotions... perhaps in certain sticky situations... but in the end, I always come clean. like this piece of writing here. since I left this past monday, the 8th of jan, I've felt like I've needed to shed weight, come clean, stay true to my honest nature. and so this is my attempt at doing so. or at least making sense of my emotions now that I'm physically removed from everything. and before we can move on, it's important to deal with and resolve residual stuffs.

the title of this entry... came up in conversation last night. we were discussing what each of us wants, and both felt like just when we thought we knew what that was, it was gone again or we were questioning it. elusive. but the only thing I am for certain of wrt want, is that I want above all to be happy. and I am. I am happy to be going off again, leaving tomorrow!!! I feel less weighted down now that I've come to the end of this entry. I feel more ready now than I did a week ago. I am ready for whatever this journey brings! writing is indeed so soothing... thank's to everyone who read me. leave as many comments as you desire, or, want. might be nice to spark up some interesting discussion!

AUSTRALIA!!! FUCK YA!!!