acid reflux: a collection of introspections

You know how I always spoke of looking like a "mad woman" journalling away? Well, oftentimes I write poetry... and not in the traditional sense. I had a few sleepless nights on Koh Chang and some alone time in Phnom Penh - shortly after our initial arrival - where I wrote some stuff. In my own opinion, it's not too shabby! I've read some of it to friends and they've enjoyed it (or at least, they claimed to have enjoyed it), and so I thought why the hell don't I just post a few on here for shits and giggles? Maybe give you a little glimpse as to how my mind works when it's "exposed" (I hate that word but I can't think of any other) to certain contexts and situations... So uhm, enjoy? I guess? And, so you know, you're forewarned: they are a bit strange.

MOON TIME BLUES

I got the moon time blues

feel like buyin some new shoes

or maybe takin a snooze

maybe go for a booze cruise

I got the moon time blues

wanna find some way to amuse

instead I confuse myself

meandering about minus my muse

I got the moon time blues

I wanna substance abuse

like that's any news

my mind I might lose

cuz I got the moon time blues

a sullen girl and short is my fuse

my mood dull like a yellowing bruise

but I could throw a tantrum, terrible two's

cuz girl! I got the MOON TIME BLUES!!

*heehee This one was written in Phnom Penh when Carly went out with some friends and I just wasn't in the mood... cuz I had the moon time blues! ;-) I think I wanna turn this one into a song some day, bluesy... can you hear it??*

BOO!

out on a ledge

my mind clutching a thread

holding on tight with fear that it just might

lose its grip and slip

and there's no one there to catch me

snatch me up and hold me near

kiss my forehead and cuddle away that pesky fear

threatening to consume me

and not unlike a stalker,

it is looming

it is lurking in the shadows

dodging street lights as it follows me

to the ledge, the edge

of which I find myself hanging by that thread

fraying, swaying to and fro

between plunging into darkness

or lunging for that brightness...

-working progress

*ya... not sure what to do with this one... initiated by paranoia, this was my first sleepless night on Koh Chang and to help me catch my zzz's I did not down nyquil, no... but I tried to rhyme every thought and eventually I fell alseep. And of course, I didn't want to lose all that I had thought of so I manically wrote it down and so that's why it's not done... might turn this one into a song as well... who knows? it doesn't even have a proper title yet!*

SANITARY SANCTUARY

this place has developped into a habit of mine

maybe due to the fact that I've been here a while

not that often I'm in one place for long,

at least as long as I've been gone...

so who's it up to? who drew that line?

that point in time when my eyes saw the sign?

how long before it registered, right side up and focused,

that I could see a life just for me instead of all that saw dust?

so when a tree falls in the forrest, does anybody hear?

and if a dream met its end that way in my head,

would its fall sound clear?

but all that don't matter anymore so look past it

forget it - no... remember it cuz without it

that woman and me might never have met, shit

is much cimpler now I'm thinking for one,

don't feel like a mom overprotecting her son

but in charge of my own life:

what I'm doing and what's to come

I'm shaking hands with my past cuz at last I understand

and am OK with who I am...

minus a man...

and so this place has developped into a sort of habit of mine

not only due to the fact that I've been here a while

but cuz the quiche is delicious and the iced coffee devine

and my mind

can unwind

the coils of moments

spiraled

in

time

*very reflective... written at The Blue Pumpkin in Siem Reap: a place that is all white, very sterile looking, good tunes, air conditioning, and you can get quiche!! not rice! It's like a place you go when you want to escape Cambodia for a little while. It does the trick!

Cambodia: you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave!!!*

THE QUESTION

hey, who are you?

essentially the same, but fundamentally changed

no longer the woman you once knew

and too, you've gained new

perspectives, not what you expected

but then again you've always neglected

the beauty in the imperfected

so hey, who are you now?

up there on the bow of the boat

still afloat through the low and high tides of your mind

still resigned and inclined

to find whatever shores you set course for

but there's no need to be sure of destination

see above for explanation of the effects of expectations...

tell me, who were you then?

way back when material things mattered

and life pitter-pattered past your pasified conscience

a passer-by existence

and you can longer accept its numbing effects since

you're fundamentally the same, yet essentially changed

and so the question has no ONE answer

and will remain as such

perpetually untouchable cuz

I am a SPINSTER

uncolonized by any sign or label

never infantilized and always able

to redefine what's mine

which could only ever be:

myself

my thoughts

my mind.

*second sleepless night on Koh Chang, again, thinking in rhyme to lull myself to sleep cuz the waves sure weren't doing their share... and again looking inside myself, trying to figure out my personal changes, trying to explain them in some way. Since they were such new feelings and thoughts, they just flowed out like acid reflux flows up the throat when one has eaten too much or there is nothing left in one's stomach to reject and all that's left is the bile. Sorry for the grotesque description, but there's no other way to accurately describe how these words formed into intelligable phrases... This one kind of turned into a feminist rant towards the end too! yay! I should give this one to my fav prof: Heather Tapley, she'd love it!*