WOW. As soon as I got in my seat on the plane from BKK to Taipei, I conked out for like an hour, woke up as the plane was taking off... it was delayed and I almost missed my connection from Taipei to Vancouver!!! But, I didn't! I had to boot it from one gate to the other though... and I had 3 seats all to my self on that 10 hour flight so, after dinner was served, I downed a sleeping pill and passed out til just before breakies was about to be served! Now that is the way to fly! It was so strange... when I could see the edge of Canada, tears assumed their position and didn't wait for the command before they started rolling down my cheeks...
Why was I crying? Because I didn't think I could handle being back among those who wouldn't know me anymore, who might not understand the changes I've undergone... I felt so alienated and felt as though I wouldn't be able to not alienate everyone in return. Leigh had warned me I might feel that way after all I'd experienced in Cambodia. She said it took her a long time before she felt she was semi-adjusted... like her friends would ask her "oh, how was asia?" and she would begin to describe the horrors and injustices and thereby totally alienating every single one of them, and feeling quite vulnerable as a result since those experiences were so close to her heart and nobody understood her... nobody could... not unless they've experienced it for themselves. So I began to understand what she was talking about.
Upon seeing Monique at the arrival's gate, I balled and held on to her so tight as though I was hanging on to my sanity. After dropping her off at work, her boyfriend Sean dropped me off on the wonderfully colorful Davie Street where I walked around, found a coffee shop, and journalled over a nice warm OVER-PRICED latté. Met her for lunch and then bussed it to Sean's place and chilled out for a bit before Monique arrived back home. We smoked a spliff, things were good, we were catching up, I went to my pack to retrieve the bracelet I had bought her on the beach and saw the bottle of vitamines and... and... the vitamines were of the ones I helped unload from that 40' trailor of donations DMGF shipped to Siem Reap... and so I saw them and I remembered that awesome feeling I had to be part of something so grand and beautiful... and then I realized where I was: in North America, land of excess and much ignorance... and I wondered what the hell I was doing here? What does my exisitence mean here? what's it for? Ya... I started thinking about how the hell I was going to be able to adjust back to the way things are here and not alienate people in the process... I balled my eyes out, nearly lost all those marbles I'd be saving up! I'm sure I freaked Monique out. I think I would have been diagnosed as clinically insane... I told her I was just "having a mental break-down and that I'd be back in a bit"... After about a 1/2 hour, I calmed myself down, "regrouped", and tried to focus on chanelling my frustrations and anxieties into something positive like: ok, so when I get back to Edmonton, I'm gonna look into funding and setting up meetings for when Leigh gets here in April and that's what's important: getting back there and doing MORE. I have to learn how to channel those feelings or else I will indeed lose my grip.
*note to self: don't smoke ganja unless I'm around someone whose experienced something similar and whom I know won't freak out (ie. get scared) should I lose it again... someone who will be able to empathize... the paranoia is too great... I think WAY to much even without it.*
So ya. We went to an Italian restaurant on Commercial St. where I had my first pasta dish in months but could not eat it all since the portion was GINORMOUS!! I'm so not used to the N. American helpings of food anymore! I even told the waitress when she placed the dish in front of me that I was intimmidated by the size and was afraid to eat it! haha Everyone had a good laugh. I ate 1/2 and was stuffed. It too was overpriced. Should have been 1/3 the price and 1/2 the size. In my oh-so-humble opinion. THEN we went for some gelatto across the street and I was again stupified by the size of the scoops! I had a "single" scoop in a cup and I could barely finish it!!! Crazy. The price and size are things I'm going to have to learn how to deal with all over again... It really does amaze me that a latté would cost me $4 when it would cost less than $1 in many places in asia.
Now I'm staying in an OK hostel in Gastown, Vancouver with my special friend Kirsten and we're catching up grandly and it's so awesome to see her!!! I'm glad I'll be spending a week here with her before jumping back into FREEZING Alberta where my posse resides... DAMN I'm not used to the cold, crisp, and dryness!!! I'm peeling like a MOFO! I won't be dark at all by the time I return cuz it'll all have flaked off... :-( Ah well. It is as it is. heehee Perspective, Jacquie.
OK so I have to go out and DO something here. Like, buy a sweater?? So I'll sign off for now and catch up in a few days. Crazy. I really hope I don't go down that road... somewhere down that crazy road...
6 comments:
Today, a new day. Yesterday was an experience survived by the love you know.
It's fantastic to see you embrace and honor your thoughts and feelings...thank you for sharing.
You're in my thoughts of peace and love.
Carly
Jacquie Jacquie Jacquie the Marvellous!!!
Now that your Internet is not that expensive, I'm writing you a long one...
I really have the feeling I have to write in English here… You seem in a state of shock… But I think it’s normal… give yourself a chance to adjust, and don’t loose time comparing things over there with things over here… I’ve never been there, but you gave me the chance to see throw your eyes and comments, the way of life over there, and it seems totally different from here, but I mean totally… so tell me… how can you compare things that are totally different??? Don’t loose your perspective Jacquie... perspectiiiivvvvhhhhhe... I know it’s not easy actually, but keep trying…
So my Wonderful Jacquie, as I already wrote in French, be grateful for where you come from, for what life offered you, don’t minimise it or loose track of it, or be shamed of it… find your strength in it and also in thankfulness. In return, if you have a strong feeling for going back over there to bring your help, go ahead… or you can also help people around you… there are many who need to be helped in a million different ways right here in your neighbourhood, especially children... I have the impression that the children here need help for their souls, and children over there need help for their physical body and health (and probably also for their souls)… but it shows more when it’s for their bodies and health, because we can see it instantly, and our Westerner eyes are not used to that, so it gives us a shock and we feel guilty…, but when the soul needs help, it doesn’t show so much and often it doesn’t show at all at first sight… don’t you think???
You have a missionary soul, so you have to take care of it and find ways to stay strong…
Je vais continuer en français, parce que je veux que ceci reste entre toi et moi (ou presque…). C’est très important aussi que tu restes lucide pendant cette période de transition, alors, essaie d’avoir l’esprit libre et clair le plus souvent possible… je parle de la fumée qui vient souvent amplifiée nos états d’âme… qu’on soit dans un état de joie ou de peine, cette fumée amplifie cette joie ou cette peine et peut même distordre la réalité, et empêcher de voir la vraie lumière.
And a last thing before I let you go, you brought up more than once the fact that everything is much more expensive here…, again, you can’t compare the prices here and the prices over there, the cost of living is not the same, the wages are not the same, etc., so, you know what I mean?..., don’t waste your time comparing… everything is so different… I know that it will take you a while to acclimate, but I really think that there is a key here (not comparing, but simply noting the difference…) to open the door to a clear-minded and strong Jacquie.
And one more last thing my Wonderful Jacquie before I let you go… don’t worry about alienating or not your relations… I know that it worries you, but just let go… people know that you have changed… those who read your blog had the chance to follow your evolution, so they are prepared to meet a kind of a new Jacquie, or should I say, a certainly different Jacquie… and I am sure they look forward knowing her a lot more, and sharing her views on life, and asking her full of questions… maybe all answers won’t be found, but that is the beauty of life no???
I hope my English is not too bizarre, and let me know if you think I’m off the road (à côté de la track). I’m very open to all your comments. I love you and am very proud of my niece, and I’m confident she will find her way if she gives herself time… and perspective…
And I totally agree with your friend Carly... what she said in a few words is full of truth and Oh so simple... Viva simplicity!
Muahhh! We love you all!!!
Louise,Roland,Philippe,Sarah,Alexya,Louis,Amélie(sa nouvelle blonde)et Daniel du haut des Alpes... nous t'embrassons et te portons dans notre coeur xoxoxoxoxo
P.S.: Merci de m’avoir expliqué pourquoi je n’avais pas reçu de réponse au sujet de ton vol de retour… je ne suis plus triste maintenant, c’est OK.
Well....It would seem that despite your worries, you are surrounded by love, acceptance and some serious wisdom (who is Louise and can I have her...ok...borrow?) Don't be afraid of what lies ahead for you because everything falls into place as it should, even if it isn't in the way that we would like. Jacquie, you have brought back much and maybe left a little behind...and that is strong. There is a balance between it all it's just a matter of finding it. Never feel bad for the opportunities you've had or the way you have grown up or for having things that may seem trivial now; because without those things, people and customs, you wouldn't have gained the perspective that you have, appreciated the little things and become a little more clear on the what really matters. BE PROUD!
And...Welcome HOME!!
Loves
Jami
Hello Jacqueline, I just got home after driving back up from Edmonton. I drove for a few hours, the roads were slippery , dangerous. The heavy haulers and transport trucks liffting the snow as they sped by . A land of desolation. Huge modular loads packed on flatbeds making their slow way up to something called the oil sands. A lonely road filled with accidental animal deaths , crashes and lonely crosses strewn all along the way,,, in the middle of nowhere.
Upon exchanging seats with Bernardine , she now, grasping the wheel , knukles white in anticipation. An hour past and I was still , in my mind,driving. Another hour passed ,,, I was still driving. Bernardine over that time got quite alienated. All of the above happening because we do not want to become another cross in the middle of nowhere.
Jacqueline, you are still driving , you are still in Asia. After all you have only been back a few hours. Give yourself time and yes draw your strengths from those closest to you. I will say to you the same thing I said before you left, you remember when we had the wonderfull opportunity to work together,,,, look , listen, be aware and get things in perspective. Give yourself time , the rush is in your mind, if you are going to be beside yourself then yes be beside yourself in a way that you will grasp the perspective you,,, and only you need to acquire.
You have many loving hearts wishing you the best . Your heart seems to have been ripped open in a way you have never been able to experience groing up as a north american. We are blessed with many things some good ,,,,some bad. We are also cursed in that we take many of these good things for granted. The previous curse is not solely of a north american nature but is at the basis of human nature. This basis crosses races , nationalities etc. this is basic to human nature .
While you go out to acquire warm clothing ,,, while you walk thru the dry air we have here in the west, while you slowly recover ande move away from that driver's seat..,mmmm,,,,,think,,,loook,,,listen,,,,eyes wide open ,,,ears wide open,,,let your heart mend and be proud of the perspective you have and are about to acquire.
Je t'aime beaucoup ma belle!!!!!
De tout mon coeur,,,
PAPA,,,papa
(2bornot2b)
Just another circle amongst many others.
2bornot2b (part of a cirle)
I miss you too... thank's for the reassurance, you know how much it's appreciated. I think I'm doing better now, no... I KNOW I'm doing better now. :-)
Glad to hear you are crispy and lazy? Isn't it nice to laze around without a schedule connecting you to time and places and people? Cool. Enjoy YOUR time THERE! heehee You alone?
you must even more SHIT HOT now than ever!!
xxx
THANK'S EVERYONE for all your kind words and I can for sure feel the love. I'll be updating again soon... for now, go watch WALK THE LINE! Never knew all that stuff about Johnny Cash!
hahaha
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