the ELUSIVENESS of WANT

"she says forget what you have to do, pretend there is nothing outside this room. and like an idea she came to me, but she came too late, or maybe too soon"

it was early morning in january. crisp mountain mornings, gotta love them. not even sure what the hussle and bussle of vancouver's downtown would be like since it's out in the suburbs she stays. Langly will be her last home before she flies off to warmer climates. she's excited to be on her way, been preparing for the moment for what seems like her whole life. this will be her second venture into the wide world, but this time she feels so different.

she'd been back from her first stint for not even a year and she has made many friends over this short period. she had got to know her home city all over again and under different circumstances...

1. she was no longer with the love of her life, therefor single.

2. she had experienced immense amounts of personal change over the 6 months she was traveling the world and gained a sense of independence and confidence she never would have had she not gone.

3. she was out and experiencing a community unlike any she had ever known.

...and with all this, it sometimes became overwhelming. she sometimes would lay in bed at night and imagine how comfortable and peaceful her life would be were she still with her Love. I mean, she had been with the man since she was 17! there was a lot of history there! he knew her like no one did or would! but even though she loved him ever so much, she felt in her heart that now is just not the right time for them. and so she would fall asleep hoping that the next morning would bring with it's rising sun, a peacefulness that the life she is living now is ok.

later on this january day, she sits back down to ponder once again her decision to take off.

"it's late, much too late for us... and I'm fixin to go home... with just my conscience and a bitter sense of irony as my chaperone"

it's late in the day, after eight. but not so tasty as that might seem. she sits there, propped up against a fluffy pillow against a wall, thinking. always thinking. it never seems to stop, she thinks. all the beautiful people she's met in the last year are running through her mind....

"there's a river of people that runs past my eyes, it's beautiful enough just to watch it go by. but the trouble with water is she'll always leave you for gravity..."

she wonders whether they'll all be there when she gets back to them, whether they'll still accept her after everything that's transpired her last few weeks at home. and the thing is, she is now realizing, is that she was only ever completely honest with each love, regardless of relationship. honest and upfront was her way of doing things, it was - and is - part of her character... the reason why people gravitate toward her and love her. but she feels like she is taking all the weight and carrying it with her in addition to her actual travel necessities. she can't do it though. she needs to leave some things behind because not only is there a weight limitation on her pack, but on her heart as well. months ago she was ready to leave weightless and free. now it feels as though her back's going to give out and her heart's gonna implode with the pressure.

"there's pressure from within this, and there's pressure from above. there's pressure on our tenuous, strenuous love. there's wet wool blankets, 1 2 3, laid onto my chest til I just can't breath..."

so what can she do to relieve the pressure? well, the only solution she has found is to continue to be open and honest. she figures that if she retreats inward and stops letting people get so close, then she would be being dishonest to herself. it would feel fake and false. she learned on her travels that you pretty much live on first impressions... relationships most times don't go much farther than that. and so it's important to make a good impression, right? she learned to bare everything upfront. she learned to be IN EACH MOMENT, live in the now. you just never know whether you will know someone for 15 mins, a day, a week, or 3 months. and so honesty is the only answer, the only remedy.

"and I try not to let my emotions show, but it ain't a balloon I can just let go. it's an ice cream cone dripping in the sun: sticky hands, sticky arms, sticky situation"

and in the interest of honesty, perhaps I'll speak in the first person now?

it's not like I'm trying to hide my emotions... perhaps in certain sticky situations... but in the end, I always come clean. like this piece of writing here. since I left this past monday, the 8th of jan, I've felt like I've needed to shed weight, come clean, stay true to my honest nature. and so this is my attempt at doing so. or at least making sense of my emotions now that I'm physically removed from everything. and before we can move on, it's important to deal with and resolve residual stuffs.

the title of this entry... came up in conversation last night. we were discussing what each of us wants, and both felt like just when we thought we knew what that was, it was gone again or we were questioning it. elusive. but the only thing I am for certain of wrt want, is that I want above all to be happy. and I am. I am happy to be going off again, leaving tomorrow!!! I feel less weighted down now that I've come to the end of this entry. I feel more ready now than I did a week ago. I am ready for whatever this journey brings! writing is indeed so soothing... thank's to everyone who read me. leave as many comments as you desire, or, want. might be nice to spark up some interesting discussion!

AUSTRALIA!!! FUCK YA!!!