I'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
I wonder what happens if I get to
to the end of the tunnel
and there isn't a light
I've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
I've warn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and I'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleeping self-loathing
do you ever have that dream?
where you open your mouth
and you try to scream?
but you can't make a sound
that's every day starting now
that's every day starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the streetlights
all they really want is
to be alone with the darkness
no more wish I may
no more wish I might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
I've got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behaviour
I am spinning with longing
faster than a roulette wheel
this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel
I don't think I am strong enough
to do this much longer
god I wish I was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god I wish it was longer...
*************************************************
this is how I feel today. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my cats. I miss my home. I miss having roots and a history. I miss talking to people who KNOW me. I miss just hangin out. I miss the remedy for fuck sakes. I miss tuesday morning breakfast with miller and friends at mosaics. I miss going to shows. I miss parties. I miss all my shoes and my different coats depending on the weather cuz I have so many coats. I miss my tuque and scarf and mits. I miss seeing my breath. I miss that night we made a fire and burned our intentions, the light of the full moon lighting up the trees and our snow angels, laughing so much that our mouthes froze just so. I miss that party we had just before I left and it was like a going-away thing for me and a 23rd birthday party for alana... and guy was there! fuck I had a good time that night. I miss the drugs too... oh yes indeed. I have to be honest. too expensive here in melbourne. I miss lying in bed in the morning, just waking up to the sound of romeo's fucked up breathing and the pressure of his weight on my hair or chest. I miss hannah's drool. I even miss muddy waters, even though I couldn't wait to leave. at least I was making money.
I just miss everything.
and I'm scared I fucked a lot of it up before I left. hence, my last post: the elusiveness of want. I am feeling lonely and nostalgic and regretful. I need a hug. a big huge hug that can make me feel like everything is ok and that everything will be ok and that I should just be out here having a good good time.
the sunshine is indeed hot and hostile if you don't have the right sunscreen or don't apply it often enough... but I feel like I haven't been fully enjoying it... because of the worries. and cuz I haven't heard from a lot of you... granted, I haven't exactly been doing my part in that department either. but consider this a try?
let your emails and comments be your hugs!!! haha pull me outta this rut.
I just miss everything.
and I'm scared I fucked a lot of it up before I left. hence, my last post: the elusiveness of want. I am feeling lonely and nostalgic and regretful. I need a hug. a big huge hug that can make me feel like everything is ok and that everything will be ok and that I should just be out here having a good good time.
the sunshine is indeed hot and hostile if you don't have the right sunscreen or don't apply it often enough... but I feel like I haven't been fully enjoying it... because of the worries. and cuz I haven't heard from a lot of you... granted, I haven't exactly been doing my part in that department either. but consider this a try?
let your emails and comments be your hugs!!! haha pull me outta this rut.
11 comments:
Rabbit! Here are some things I admire about you:
Your loving smiles that makes strangers more comfortable than their grandma's cookies
Your honest laugh that can communicate to anyone that what you said is Reallllly funny
Your eyes that can ease anyone's discomfort because they know you are listening to them and that you care
Your spirit and love for life that makes you live in the present and appreciate it
Your warm heart that doesn't let you forget those that are back at home
Your humor that makes it easy to be
Your passion and inquisitiveness that makes you explore and travel and learn
I love you and I think of you everyday. I cannot say that about too many people. I love that you are doing what you wanted to do. I am sorry it is hard, but it can be a matter of perspective. Discomfort is supposed to make one grow. Whatevah
Discomfort-comfort=Dis
Dis+co=Disco
Douwanna+Disco=India .. oh Yaaa
A body hug coming your way..S&D
and I've never been so alone,
...and I've, never been so alive.
hey honey, a big hug for you! and wish i may is a wonderful song. i love it. hugs! /s.
something my siblings and i say to eachother when we are so far apart, we have always said it, and it somehow brings comfort.
we are all under the same stars..
when you look up and see the moon, remember im seeing it too, and perchance in that moment, im thinking of you.
km
See??
The moon...
I would love to send you a thousand doves right now...for viewing pleaseure outside your window of where ever you stand. On top of the grandest bear hug is an abundance of peace...to your heart and mind.
Your words are as strong as you will be within this week. You may not see your own strength now...but patience will, in time, be your greatest tool. ps... you have lots of tools to bring yourself up (above and beyond what you have from back home).
peace and love
"I see you there...already you're in my arms"
My dear Jacks
What is important is that it's OK TO MISS IT!! ALL OF IT!! Even the not so great stuff because it is all a part of you. Wallow a little and have no guilt. And then start a new day! Feelings are just that...feelings...and they exist everywhere! A new continent will not change that.
How good would it be if it could though!! For now we'll have to settle for a sharp wit, a stiff drink, and a HELL YA! If you can't do those things at teh moment, find someone who can. Nothing like a little laugh to make the heart smile!
Too bad a certain brunette with an attitude isn't there to...well you know....you've seen it! And it would come with the hug of all hugs!!
Jami
Damn people lighten up!!!! All this deep shit is making me weepy. J.B if you don't go out and have mind blowing fun or a daily bases I will kick your ass all over the place when you get back!!!!I swear. We are all here missing you wanting to monopolize your time and smell your hot hair BUT we all want you to do fun shit so we can say My friend/lover/sister/daughter is an amazing person and I wish i could do some of the things she has done. We are inspired by your adventures and we'll have some of our own to tell you whne you return.
God I hate sap for I am The Glorious Strength of ...The Mother Land.
awe.................... I love you. I'm lookin up at the moon and we'll see each other soon.
thanks dudes, for real. you are all gems.
xxx
Hey Jack rabbit!!!!! Hi from John and josh. Awh you sound really down, big hugs from your mama and the gang here in Sunny Okanagan. It's -15 here and it's very cold but i'm hoping the "groundhog" didn't see his shadow...OH i've just been informed from the peanut gallery, LOL that it's gonna be an early Spring, Yeah!!!! We are all going to Silver Star mountain tommorow which is Saturday here and tubing down the hills and pub hoping........we got a room up here so it's cool......lol
Anyway Jack i Love you and miss you very much and i can't wait to see you in June.......Be safe
XXOOXXOO Mom ;-)
hey mama! thanks for the post and checking me out! I'm better now.... cuz of these lovely comments. like virtual HUGS! if john wants to make a donation to the Keep Jacquie in Australia Fund, he can feel free to do so! haha (seriously) email me soon mom! I miss you so much...
xxx
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